EntreContos

Literatura que desafia.

Stormy Stream (Amanda Leonardi)

Just like everyone in the universe, they run in the dark. The world is a dark ocean and all they can do is to move forwards. There is no past, there is no looking back. How would you look back without eyes, anyway? If somehow they tried to look back they would get stuck in the way and kill everyone around them. They live in the dark and got no eyes, all they have is hunger. An endless hunger to run before they die, to always keep swimming forward, to become a longer path, to make something real. To exist. To be. They all live in the same ocean, they are this endless ocean that runs in circles through dark roads they will never fully know. They never did run slowly, however in a particular day, they just couln’t help running much faster than the roads around them could hold them.

There was an eerie shuddering within them, a sharpen anxiety pulsing through each one of them, making them run desperately, like mad creatures. They felt like they were being smashed against the dark walls and just couldn’t stop running, something was making the ocean grow raging, restless. Their hunger was fed by a leader they could never really see. Now it was not like their hunger was what pushed them forward. It was more like they were driven around by this leader who has gotten insane. They needed some rest, they needed light. They were eager for freedom. They were like ravenous ravens flying in the dark night, looking for food, only their food was called freedom.

Suddenly they seemed to run slower. They grew cold and calm. Very cold. Nearly frozen. The road was opened and a silver surface touched them, releasing them from the dark paths. The ones that were far from the blade saw a light coming in through an opening at the end of the dark road, where their fellows were spilling out, red and bright. They got colder and colder. Soon they were all spread over a pale surface and over the floor around it and they began to turn solid, turning into a darker shade of red. The road was open through the wrist and sooner than they could realize, they were dead like the roads they used to inhabit and fill with life. The endless pursuit of nothing in the dark was over now, light had shone upon them.

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6 comentários em “Stormy Stream (Amanda Leonardi)

  1. Miguel Bernardi
    28 de agosto de 2014

    Olá, boa tarde.

    Gostei do conto, é interessante, ele suga a sanidade do leitor, e dá medo.
    O texto é muito bom, a narrativa idem, mas enxerguei um porém:

    As repetições. Faço das observações do Rubem as minhas.

    Mas, poxa, o texto é muito bom!

    • amandaleonardi23
      28 de agosto de 2014

      Muito obrigada, Miguel, fico muito feliz que gostastes! =D
      Vou tentar dar um jeito nas repetições depois, obrigada por ler meu conto! ^^

      • Miguel Bernardi
        28 de agosto de 2014

        Depois que arrumar, irei ler novamente! Convido-a a ler meu conto, Tênue, postado aqui no Entrecontos.
        Abraços!

  2. rubemcabral
    28 de agosto de 2014

    Achei interessante e surreal, mas algumas coisas me incomodaram:

    1) primeiro, achei que há muita repetição, penso que ficaria melhor se você pudesse usar alguns sinônimos aqui e acolá, algumas omissões também. A frase “There was an eerie shuddering within them, a sharpen anxiety pulsing through each one of them, making them…”, por exemplo, (them,them,them).

    2) Aqui acho que o tempo verbal não ficou bom: “Now it was not like their hunger was what pushed them forward. It was more like they were driven around by this leader who has gotten insane.” (melhor seria had gotten insane ou had gone insane, penso).

    No mais, bom conto!

    • Amanda Leonardi
      28 de agosto de 2014

      Obrigada, Rubem, que bom que gostou! A parte do tempo verbal foi descuido mesmo, vou corrigir, realmente fica melhor dessa forma. Sobre as repetições, vou tentar adaptar, mas o complicado é que o inglês sempre pede a referência da pessoa pra determinar o verbo, mas talvez mudando um pouco a estrutura da frase dê pra melhorar. Obrigada pela leitura e pelas dicas. 🙂

      • rubemcabral
        29 de agosto de 2014

        De nada! Foi um prazer. Ah, lembrei-me de outro errinho: “sharpen” é verbo (afiar, amolar) e não adjetivo (afiado), então seria correto dizer “a sharp anxiety…”.

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Publicado às 27 de agosto de 2014 por em Contos Off-Desafio e marcado , .